This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
