oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
