Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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