this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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