if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
