But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
dude i'm inner monologue high
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
