I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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