Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
