Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
