so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
