Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You can't motorboat a personality
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
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