Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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