Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize