i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
