I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Randomize
