I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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