My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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