Are we in a gay sports bar?
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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