your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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