You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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