She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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