At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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