I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
