the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
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