I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
