so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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