exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
