went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
