Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
