i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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