i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize