I wish my penis had an off switch
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
