Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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