good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize
