She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
