I wish my penis had an off switch
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
im six kinds of drunk right now
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Randomize
