Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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