...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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