The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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