mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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