she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
