he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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