Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
