Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
