I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
