My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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