why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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