Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
