I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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