I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
