Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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