tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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