me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
