there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize