Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
