Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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