don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
