i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
