I feel great
I just peed on a car
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
