Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
