I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
